Home-Grown al-Qaeda Found in Dedham, Massachusetts!

     Osama Bin-Laden, Hezbollah, Taliban, Hamas, Tamal Tigers and now Darryl “Porky” Beechum can be added to the growing list of terrorists threatening the United States and its allies. What makes “Porky” different and, quite frankly, more terrifying is that Porky's terrorist organization is right here under our collective nose.
     The Uglier Truth recently learned that, according to an anonymous source, Porky Beechum (pictured right) could be the deadliest threat we have yet faced. According to our source, Porky's cell has been operating out of Dedham Massachusetts for nearly twenty years. The portly belly of the beast from which these terrorist plots are hatched is located in the shed behind “Porky's Auto-body and Maintenance” in the heart of suburbia. To understand the imminent danger faced by the US with this new threat, we need only listen to the tale told by our source.
     “I've been taking my car to Porky for over 8 years and suspected nothing until, one fateful day, I took the wife's car in to have a dent removed. She wasn't watchin' where she was going and hit the metal thing that holds the shopping carts at Shaw's Market. You know the thing I'm talking about?”
     The Uglier Truth does indeed know what he is talking about. Only last Sunday my wife nearly hit one in our Jetta. As usual she was fiddling with the CD player and nearly hit the damned thing; I wish she'd just drive and leave the CD player alone. Anyway, our source went on to say:
     “Usually Porky does a great job but, this time you could see primer showing through and you could still feel the dent.”
     Though compelling, The Uglier Truth asked how our source determined that Porky was al-Qaeda from this. Though momentarily taken aback, the source responded:
     “Who else but a terrorist would do something like that? I took the car back to him on a Saturday; he didn't have it ready 'til Wednesday. I mean, the wife had to drive me to work and drop off the kids for Lacrosse. Dropping me off made the kids late so my son didn't get to play that day! This was my kids man; only a terrorist could do that to kids!”
     The Uglier Truth then asked if it was possible that Porky was just inept, to which our source tearfully responded:
     “It doesn't matter whether you agree with the war or not now; we have to support our troops. They're not just fighting for me and my kids but for you too. I mean, look around, anyone could be a terrorist.”