US Insists Torture Is Merely, "Tough Love."

     In a stinging rebuttal to the continuing allegations of torture and secret US jails all over the world, Donald Rumsfeld invoked memories of "Tough Love" and the "Scared Straight" program.

      "What others see as torture is simply 'Tough Love'," he stated in an interview with Cat Fancier Magazine.

      "You know how, when a puppy goes on the carpet, you swat his nose with a newspaper or stick it (his nose) in the 'number 2'? Well, this is no different. It doesn't mean you don't love the puppy and you understand it doesn't know better but, you still have to cover the cost of cleaning a Persian rug."

      When asked if you couldn't just remove the stain with one of those pet care stain removers he replied, "That stuff never works, I tried it three times on stains left by Taliban prisoners but you can still see the spot. Besides," he went on to say. "Valerie Plame, Joe Wilson's wife, is a CIA agent!"

      To his credit Mr. Rumsfeld quickly apologized for the slip-up stating that particular leak had been assigned to President Dick Cheney. "I mean Vice President Dick Cheney," he later corrected.

"If someone thinks dressing in women's underwear is torture, then torture me girlfriend, ... "

Returning to the subject of torture and prisons, Mr. Rumsfeld went on to state that the "Scared Straight" programs underway in Quantanamo and Abu Ghraib were the equivalent of hazing; just 'good fun'. "If someone thinks dressing in women's underwear is torture, then torture me girlfriend," he concluded with a snap of his fingers.

      In order to get a European perspective on the allegations and explanation we spoke with Prime Minister Tony Blair of Great Britain.

      "Well, Cheney and Rumsfeld are seen as the god cop/bad cop of international diplomacy; I'm sorry which one is the good cop again?"

      Finally we interviewed an average American to get their response to the issue.

      "Well, he was funny the first couple of years," remarked a young man wearing an, "I drink to forget and I forget a lot," teeshirt. "Especially with his whole, 'Abu Ghraib in the house routine. I still think the yellow sweat suit and glasses are cool."

      The reporter considered asking the youth for clarification but decided that was probably the best he was going to get.

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